Twisted Gundam Wing Fairy Tales
by Wingleader Sora Jade
Summary: -_-;; My best friend Rosie and I wrote these two years ago when we were *totally* bored, so they're not very good. Insanity and Duo-chan ahead! ^_^ *chap 4 up* Trowa and the Greatest Show on (and off) Earth!
1. Lt Noin & Lt Hildie

Twisted Gundam Wing Fairy Tales  
by WSJ  
  
WSJ: Last year my best friend Rosie and I were really wacko (still are), and we wrote all these GW fairy tales. They're... rather strange...  
  
Took: And not suitable for children under the age of 8.  
  
WSJ: *glares* Would you shut up?  
  
Took: SEE!  
  
WSJ: *ignoring him* Anyways, there's gonna be a ton of inside jokes, but they'll all be explained in the chapter footnotes.  
  
Took: The first is called "Lt. Noin and Lt. Hildie". We don't own any of the characters. And yes, technically Treize is dead, but who cares.  
  
()()()()()  
  
Duo looked down at Hildie from his perch on the mound of scrap metal and MS parts. "Come on Hildie, it's the five year anniversery of when we defeated OZ! You helped a lot. Can't you at least come to the celebration picnic?" he asked. "Everyone's gonna be there!"  
  
"Alright Duo!" Hildie laughed. "I'll come! When does it start?"  
  
Duo looked at his watch then stood up, dusted off his hands and jumped down from the scrap pile. "Right now." he said, offering his elbow to Hildie.  
  
When they arrived at the Peacecraft mansion, where the picnic was being held, they found that they were the last to arrive.  
  
"So how's the Gundam Attck Squadron?" Noin asked, looking up as they entered. "About time you got here." Everyone liked to refur to Duo and Death Scythe as the Attack Squadron because they were most likely to jump right into the battle without a thought or care.  
  
"Oh, about as good as the Silent Section." Duo grinned, refurring to Trowa and Wufei who sat mutely while everyone else talked and laughed around them.  
  
Noin didn't answer. She was staring at something behind Duo. He turned and saw Hildie staring back at Noin. "Creepy..." he muttered before going to sit next to Quatre, his best friend. (1)   
  
"What's with them?" Quatre asked.  
  
Duo shrugged. "Beats me. Hey, where's the food?"  
  
"Over there." Quatre said, pointing.  
  
"Good." Duo got up and headed for the table. After he finished his third peice of Cathrine's apple pie he noticed Noin and Hildie still staring at each other. Then, he saw it.  
  
He ran over to where Quatre, Heero, Relena and Lady Une sat talking. "Hey you guys, check out the twins!" Everyone turned and they saw it too. Hildie and Noin looked very much alike. If it weren't for the height and the age difference, you could swear they were twins.  
  
Noin stirred from her trance as if released by Duo's statement and walked over the Hildie. "My parents said I had a sister. They hid her so she wouldn't get sucked into the war like I did. What's your last name Hildie?"  
  
"My full name is Hilaine Michelle Noin. Hildie Noin for short." she answered.  
  
"Wait a second..." Relena was being blond for a moment. "How could Hildie's last name be the same as your first name Noin?" (2)  
  
Noin smiled. "My whole name is Lucrezia Rachel Noin. Everyone just calls me Noin because it's easier to pronounce."  
  
"And that means..." Sally prompted.  
  
"We're sisters!" Hildie and Noin said, grinning at each other.  
  
Duo, of course, fainted.  
  
"Must have been that pie." Zechs ventured before getting whacked by Cathrin.  
  
()()()()()  
  
(1) Rosie and I used to play GW all the time. I was always Duo and she was Quatre, so in our stories we just sort-of subconciously had Duo and Quatre hang out a lot. There's also another reason you'll see a few chapters from now.  
  
(2) Relena is so dang blond! Dorthy is more I guess, but Ro and I love to bash Relena for her blondness. Relena fans please take no offence! *hides under table*  
  
()()()()()  
  
WSJ: Like? This is going to be an on-going saga, and most of the stories do tie in with later chapters. ^_^ Now go point and click your little mouse button on the thing that says 'Review'. Did you type something? Good! Now move the little mousie again and click on the button that says 'Next Chapter'. Have fun!  
  
Next Twisted Tale of Woe: The Legend of the Lightning Baron: Noin, Une, Treize and Zechs are eathing lunch and Zechs tells how he became the Lightning Baron. Stupidity and fish sticks ahead! ^_~ 


	2. Legend of the Lightning Baron

Twisted Gundam Wing Fairy Tales  
by WSJ  
The Legend of the Lightning Baron  
  
Disclaimer: See chapter 1  
  
Summery: See end of last chapter.  
  
Warnings: Almost Zechs/Noin. You'll see.  
  
()()()()()  
  
"Hey Zechs! Wait up!"  
  
Zechs turned to see Noin running at top speed toward him.  
  
"Hi Noin." he said. The two of them began walking towards the cafeteria. It was lunch break at the university where they taught mobile suit engineering. They sat down next to Treize and Lady Une, who taught how to run a country. (Take over you mean! *snicker*) Noin very nearly threw up when a fellow teacher warned her that the supposed cafeteria 'hamburgers' were really dog food and fish, um, poopoo. (1)  
  
"Hey Zechs, how did you ever become the Lightning Baron in the first place?" she asked after tossing her 'lunch' in the garbage and losing most of her green color.  
  
Zechs laughed and bit into the turkey leg he'd brought from home. As Une gave Noin some of her fish sticks he began his tale...  
  
"I wasn't always Zechs Merquize you know. I was born Milliardo Peacecraft. When I was six and Relena was two, OZ came. They attacked and killed my whole family. I wasn't even sure if Relena had survived. That's why I was so surprised when I saw her during my duel with Heero. As it turns out, our butler took her and escaped before OZ attacked.  
  
"After the attack, I wandered around our bombed out house. I found my father's body, and right there I swore to get revenge. I took dad's mask, so no one would recognise me, and I enrolled as an OZ soldier. I figured I would sort-of 'blow them up' from the inside. I was, am, a good pilot, no one else could pilot the Tallgeese. The way I like to dart around on the battle feild earned me the name 'Lightning Baron'. Tallgeese is really fast anyways, so it kinda earned it for me.  
  
"When I was training at the OZ Victoria base I met Noin and we became best friends. When I had to leave to fight Heero she was afraid I might not come back. But nothing could stop me. I joined up with the Gundams. She had the Lioness Tauros (2) custom built and followed me. She promised never to leave my side, and she never has."  
  
"Well I can't let you have all the fun, now can I Zechs?" Noin asked. She leaned over and Zechs did too, until their lips were just inches apart. But as always happens in these twisted tales of woe, the bell rang, signalling them to get back to their various classrooms.  
  
The two jerked away from each other, blushing furiously.  
  
"Er, we should continue this later..." Zechs mumbled, and Noin nodded her agreement. They turned to see Treize and Une passed out from shock and anticipation, their noses in their food.  
  
"They must have eaten one of the hamburgers." Noin said.  
  
()()()()()  
  
(1) Don't ask me, I was trying to do the funniest thing I could think of, and my little sister suggested fish poopoo. Shows us how dirty eight year old minds are...  
  
(2) Remember this, it shows up again!  
  
()()()()()  
  
Took: Didn't this end pretty much like the last one?  
  
WSJ: *sweatdrop* Yeah...  
  
Next Twisted Tale: Duo and the Dragonriders: Gasp! Duo's family is alive! And he has six squealer younger siblings! And his dad's a wacko! How will the world survive? *Has nothing to do with Anne McCaffrey's Pern, so don't sue!* 


	3. Duo and the Dragonriders

Twisted Gundam Wing Fairy Tales 

by WSJ 

Duo and the Dragonriders 

Disclaimer: C chap 1 

Summery: C previous chap. 

Warnings: Psycopathic freak alert! Duo's dad is cracked! 

()()()()() 

"Hey Duo, how come I'm the only one without a girlfriend?" Quarte asked. 

"_You_?!? You think _you_ have girl problems? Hilde won't leave me alone!!! She's a worse stalker then Relena is with Heero!!!!!" (1) Duo retorted, rolling his eyes at his blond friend. 

The two boys were on the way home from their music lessons, which happened to be in the same studio. Quatre was swinging his violin case back and forth in time with their steps and Duo's guitar was slung over his shoulder. 

Quatre laughed. "At least girls take intrest in you! Most of the ones that see me think I _am_ a girl..." 

"Hey, Hilde's the only girl who takes intrest in me! You call this long brown thing hanging down my back not looking girlish? Most girls think I'm 'one of them' and ask me to come over to their houses for makeovers." Both boys shivered in horror. 

"Well, I can assure you you aren't." 

Duo whirled around. "Who was that?" The gruff voice seemed familiar somehow... 

"You heard it too?" Quatre asked, a faint look of releif crossing his face. "I was afraid it was just me..." 

"Hey, up here!" 

They looked up and their jaws dropped down. Hovering above them was a huge silver dragon. There was a gold saddle strapped to it and a rider sat on top. He reined in the dragon and with a beat of its wings it settled on the ground in front of them.(2) 

The rider slid off and bowed deeply to Quatre and Duo. They gawked at his old-fasioned clothes and cape. A crown of gold circled his forehead and his long black braid and beard were wild and uncombed. 

"How would you know?" Duo asked. (3) 

"'Cuz I was there!" the man said proudly, causing Quatre and Duo to anime-fall and twitch violently. "I'm Kay Maxwell, (4) my wife's name is Laura. Would you two wanna come flying with me?" 

Duo sweatdropped. "The hell? Maxwell? Sure, let's go, I wanna meet this 'wife' of yours... You psyco." he added so only Quatre could hear. 

Kay raised his hands to his lips and let out a peircing whistle, causing both our boys to cover their ears. Instantly two dragons dived from far above and landed in front of them. "Duo, you ride Lilyscale, you" he pointed to Quatre, "Ride Moonheart." 

"How would you know my name? You some great-uncle of mine or something?" Duo asked. 

Kay frowned. "Might as well tell you. I am your father. (WSJ & Rosie: *a la Luke Skywalker* NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *giggle uncontrolably*)" 

Duo's eyes misted over. "I'm not surprised. I see a lot of myself in you. I was told my parents were very old-fasioned. They didn't want that for me, so they left me at the Maxwell Church. Father said they promised to come for me someday. I guess today is that day." he said. 

They heard a scream and turned to see Moonheart trying to buck Quatre off. "Moonheart! Sit!" Kay commanded. 

She did and Quatre began sliding backward toward the tail. The _spiked_ tail. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Quatre screamed louder. Duo caught him just in time. "Whew, thanks buddy..." Quatre said. 

"Hey, what are best friends for?" Duo asked. 

They desided to switch dragons and Duo mounted Moonheart while Quatre climbed up on Lilyscale. Kay boarded the dragon he said was named Silverwing. 

As they flew above the clouds they noticed another band of dragons flying nearby. They drifted closer and saw a woman, obviously pregnant, mounted on a red dragon. Flocked around her were six or seven children on dragons of various sizes and colors. 

"Laura! This is Duo, our son, and his best friend Quatre!" Kay called to the woman. 

She flew closer and Quatre nodded she had the same dark brown hair and wide eyes her son did. 

"Duo, this is Laura, your mother." 

Duo noted the kids, as well as her swollen belly, and sweatdropped infinantly. "Do you ever _stop_?"(5) 

Laura grinned, a wide grin, just like Duo's, and chuckled. "Do you really want me to answer that? These are your brothers and sisters, Lance, Richelle, Marissa, Lila, John and EllaMae." 

"So, are you ready to join the dragonriders?" Kay asked. 

Duo nearly choked and looked back at Quatre, who shrugged. Duo frowned and turned to his father. "Sorry, I can't dad." He had never called anyone _that_ before. "I have friends and responcibilities at home. Who'd stop Heero from stripping DeathScythe if I left? Who'd annoy the living crap outta Wufei? And what 'bout Q-man here? We're friends till the end!" 

Kay smiled saddly. "I understand." 

When they landed, Duo slid off Moonheart and waved good-bye as his mother and father took off. "Bye mom, dad! Come visit soon!" he yelled. 

He turned to see Quatre furvently kissing the ground. Feeling Duo's eyes on his he looked up and smiled sheepishly. "So, you've been wondering your whole life. Now you know. You've finally found your family, and lost them all in one day." 

"Nah... Kay and Laura may be cool, but I can't think of them as family. Too weird. You guys are my family, Q. You, Heero and the whole Gundam Squadron." 

~*~ 

(1) I now firmly believe in 02xHS, but you'll see in a few chapters why I don't want Du-kun to have a girlfriend... 

(2) Yeah, I know, this is practically and impractically impossible, especially in the GW universe. Where would they have hidden during the war? But give me a break, I was obsessed with Duo, obsessed with dragons and naturally put the two together. 

(3) Notice a complete lack of shock? Yeah, I fig'red... 

(4) As I keep stating time and again, I knew nothing of the pilots' pasts when I wrote these. Originally the passage where Duo dictates his past to Kay went something like '...to my aunt to raise me. Aunt told me that...' 

(5) That was added as I typed. Two years ago my naive little mind wouldn't have dreamed of writing something like that in. 

()()()()() 

Duo: *sweatdrop* The violin and guitar vanished... 

WSJ: Shush you! No point in pointing out plotholes. ANyway, the reason I haven't updated in _ages_ is because I lost the notebook all these were written in. ^^;; I found it in my closet... 

Quatre: Er... 

WSJ: *oogles* Geez... I was soooo bad... The original illistration for this chapter is pretty funny. Kay looks seriously insane. *shivers* That look in his eyes... I wish I had a scanner, then I'd show you. ^_^ 

Next twisted tale: Trowa and the Greatest Show On Earth: Cathrin storms out of the circus in a huff after a fight with Trowa. Trowa calls Duo and Relena for advice (don't ask me why...) and ends up getting more then he bargained for. 


	4. Trowa and the Greatest Show on Earth

WSJ: *makes a face* I've been writing YGO too long... I have this incredable erge just to smack Ishtar over the head with his Rod... *sighs* Besides, I think I'm going into Duo-withdrawl. ^_^;; *looks over at where Duo's trying to flirt with Elyssa (my Dark Magician Girl romance-muse)* Er... 

Quatre: *looks up from the Japanese Ranma manga he's reading in the corner* You okay SJ? 

WSJ: *twitching slightly* Just fine Q-kun, just fine... Can you do the intro for me while I go pound Duo for chatting it up with my muse? 

Quatre: *blinks and watches as she storms away* Okaaaay... 

Disclaimer: *Quatre walks out in an elf-costume, complete with curly-toed shoes and pointy ears* 

Quatre: ^-^; I knew we shouldn't have let WSJ go see _The Two Towers_ this close to Christmas... She doesn't own GW, and the song is Kevin Sharp's. 

Summery: *Quatre continues to narrate as WSJ runs by in the backgound, waving one of Legolas's elven-knives over her head as she chases Duo around* Trowa and Cathrine get into a fight, Cathrine leaves, and Trowa calls Relena and Duo for advice. Of course, with those two, he gets a lot more then he bargained for... 

Warnings: Trowa/Cathrin, and, as always, insanity. *sweatdrops as a squeal is heard from off camera* 'SJ! 

()()()()() 

Twisted GW Fairy Tales 

Story 4: Trowa and the Greatest Show on Earth 

After a routine performance one day, Cathrin tentativly approached Trowa. "Trowa, I've been offered a job at Circus Tech. (1) I'm not sure I want to leave here, though. I want your oppinion." she said. 

"...." 

"Trowa! How can you stand there and not answer me?! I love you!(2) You were the one reason I was tempted to stay!" 

"...If you leave, there won't be anymore of your 'soup'?" Trowa asked in what was possibly the longest sentence he'd ever spoken. 

Cathy blinked at the sudden change of direction. "Er... No," 

Trowa, in a fit of absolute rapture, smiled. 

Tears began to flow down Cathrin's cheeks, and she turned and ran out of the big top. 

Several months later Cathy still hadn't come back and Trowa figured she had accepted the job. (Duo: *sarcasticly* No!) He knew it would be better for her then this lousy circus, so why did he feel so lonely? (WSJ: *eyes widen in mock amazment* My God! He _feels_?!) 

One day Quatre came to visit. He looked normal, but had a gleam in his eye that reminded Trowa a little too much of Duo. "Hey Trowa," he greeted Heavyarms's pilot. 

"Quatre," 

"Listen Trowa, I know what you did to Cathrin last month." (WSJ: *falls over in a fit of giggles* The horrible thing is, this thing was written _years_ before the movie even came out!) "You know she loves you. And I know you love her back. Tell her. I can feel it, you're torn up on the inside. You miss her." (Duo: *blinks* Dude... Q-man's a telepath... WSJ: No, that's Ryou. *rimshot* Gomen!) 

With that, Quatre got up and left. Trowa knew that the little Arabian pilot was right. He found a peice of paper and a pencil, and wrote: 

Dear Cathrin,   
I'm sorry for the things I said. Actually, your soup's really very good!... As an all-purpose acid. Gomenasai, but I had to be honest. Please come home Cathy, nothing's the same around here without you. I'm not the same without you.   
~Trowa. 

And then, as Quatre peered around the corner and watched in facinated horror, Trowa rose up from his chair, his eyes huge and shining all chibi-like. From out of nowhere the lights dimmed, and a single spotlight illuminated Trowa. The 03 pilot opened his mouth and he began to sing. Soprano. 

"I pretend I'm glad you went away,   
But these four walls are closing more every day.   
I'm crying inside,   
And nobody knows it but me. 

"As a clown I put on a show,   
But the pain is real even if nobody knows.   
I'm dyin' inside,   
And nobody knows it but me. 

"Why didn't I say,   
The things I needed to say?   
How could I let my angel get away?   
Now my world is just tumblin' down.   
I can see us so clearly, but you're no-where 'round! 

"Nights are lonely, the days are so sad.   
I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had!   
I'm missin' you,   
And nobody knows it but me!" 

The spotlight died and the lights came back on, leaving Trowa with a sickeningly cute expression on his face. Around the corner, Quatre was gagging. "Jeez, now I know why he never talks! You'd think he'd have hit puberty by now..." Blinking suddenly, Quatre picked up his cell-phone and dialed a number as he left. "Hello, operator? Can you get me the Anime Asylum please..." 

Back in the big top, Trowa licked the stamp and, in his new-found freedom of expression (harhar!) made a face at the taste. He then sent the letter on its way. 

The next week he woke up to the sound of Cathy ordering underlings about the circus grounds, as was her custom. He smiled as an idea creeped into his head. He hopped into his clothes and ran to a phone to call Duo. He'd need some help. (Quatre & WSJ: *in tandem* Mental help!) 

When Duo arrived at the circus (an amazing feat since the circus was on L3 and Duo lived on L2) Trowa told him his idea. Duo grinned that wide grin he was famous for. "Well, you were right to call on Dr. Love, but we'll need more help... Someone with a hefty bank account... Relena maybe? It's either her or that chick Dorothy, and her eyebrows creep me out! They _stare_ at me!" 

"Dr. Love?" Trowa asked, breaking through the braided one's ramblings. "What happened to Shinigami?" 

Duo waved him off. "The war's over. I needed a new nick-name. Dr. Love seemed to fit. Now, let's go call Relena!" He grabbed Trowa by the hand and drug him off, until Trowa politly pointed out that there was a phone in the room they were leaving. Wherupon, Duo turned around and drug him back. 

Relena answered on the third ring. "Hello, Vice-Foreign Minister... Er... Hold please." In her office, Relena pulled a coin out of her pocket and flipped it. "Heads Peacecraft, tails Darlin,"(3) she muttered to herself. The coin landed, and stood perfectly balanced on its end. Relena blinked, and cautiosly took Duo off hold. "Er... Vice-Foreign Minister Yuy, how may I help you?" 

Duo choked on a snort. "Trowa needs help, Madame _Yuy_. First, he called yours truly, Dr. Love!" 

"Dr. Love? I thought you were Duo," 

"Ah, don't go into it," Duo said, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. He then proceeded to tell Relena Trowa's plan. 

"Good idea. Come over before you go shopping and I'll give you all the money you need." (Another incredable acheivment, since Relena was in the Sanc Kingdom) With that they hung up. 

Several nights later, the three of them got ready for a very special performance. First, they tied up the clown that usually secured Trowa to the "cutting board" where Cathy would throw knives at him. Duo grabbed some big shoes and a red nose and took his place. Next, they tied up the girl who handed Cathrin her knives. Relena grabbed a spare costume and took her place. 

Everything was perfect. 

When it was time for the knife-throwing act, Relena and Duo closed in on Cathrin. They strapped her to the "cutting board" instead of Trowa. 

"What's this?" Cathy asked, enraged, then she growled in recognition. "What are you two doing here?!" 

They ignored her. "Hey Tro-kun, we're ready!" Duo called. He turned and winked at the crowd. More specificly, the row where Heero, Quatre, Wufei, Sally, Dorothy, and Hilde sat. 

Hilde looked excited. 

Heero looked bored. 

Wufei looked ticked. 

Sally looked annoyed, and kept glancing over at Wufei. 

Dorothy looked like she wanted to seduce Quatre. 

Quatre looked nervous at being so close to Dorothy. 

They all straitened up though, when Trowa came out holding something behind his back. He stood in front of Cathrin, then dropped to one knee. Now the whole crowd was silent, waiting with bated breath. There was a "Aw, hell!" from a certain Chinese pilot, and a shout of "Just do it already Trowa!" from his Japanese companion. 

Trowa shrugged and pulled a little black box from behind his back. He opened it to reveil a huge diamond ring. (Bought with Relena's money, of course, not that she minded.) 

Everyone held their breath as they waited for the answer to Cathy's unspoken question. Wufei would have shouted something, but Sally had both hands over his mouth. 

"Oh Trowa, hai, I will marry you!" 

Duo and Relena moved forward, both grinning like idiots, and released Cathy. She jumped into Trowa's arms and kissed him. His eyes bugged out. They got married right then and there, Duo acting as preist, much to Heero and Wufei's disgust. 

After they were pronounced man and wife, there was a general silence, before the entire big top broke into cheers. 

And through it all, Relena felt the cold muzzle of a familiar pistol pressed into the small of her back. 

"Now Relena, I hear you've been using my name again..." 

And everyone agreed that it was the greatest show on (or off) earth. 

~*~ 

(1) Quatre: *scratches his head* What's Circus Tech? 

WSJ: *shrugs* Hell if I know... Clown school? 

(2) WSJ: I'm going with the assumption that they _aren't_ brother/sister here. Yes, I know Episode Zero hints otherwise, but yet again I'll say that I wrote these years before I knew about Episode Zero, okay? 

(3) The heads/tails thing was taken directly from DragonBlond04's fic, _This is the Waltz that Never Ends_. I, however, added the part about it balancing on end and her using Yuy. 

()()()()() 

WSJ: That's it! 

Next twisted tale of horror: Heero's Love: Whoever thought that a basketball game and a trip to a French resturant could make all the difference in the lives of Duo, Heero, and Relena? Mmmm, snails! (HYxRP, non-yaoi AS ALWAYS) 


End file.
